Signed up for dance lessons.

It’s fun, but I’m kinda dreading it. I don’t feel like being around people. The other night, when I went to the open house, it was kinda a big huge reminder that no matter what I may convince myself about myself, I’m still the short, fat girl that gets consistently chosen last as a dance partner (really, WTF, I’m damn graceful and gorgeous and I don’t understand why no one wanted to dance with me except holy crap everyone’s a giant, maybe they couldn’t see me).

My nightmares are pretty bad. I woke up crying this morning, and me crying is not a normal phenomenon.

My brain is still telling me I can’t start any projects because I’m about to go on a trip…THE TRIP WAS 2 WEEKS AGO BRAIN.

I’m getting tired of keeping secrets about myself. I’m about 45% sure most people around me have started to guess anyway. I’d be more sure, but I know these people and they live in their own little bubble worlds of denial.

I’m sick of constantly having the distant past illogically thrown in my face as an example of how my future is going to be. OMG wow I was a really irresponsible child who didn’t want to clean up after someone else’s problems, even after I was guilt-tripped heavily! I must lack so much moral fiber! Or the ever popular “well, you could have had xyz if you hadn’t done zyx when you were 10.” WTF WHAT EVEN.

“Well, you do have a habit of…” What. WHAT do I have a habit of. DO TELL ME OH LORD AND MASTER, WHAT I SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR THE NEXT TIME I AM A PRETEEN.

I’m just so angry and tired and done.

I have gotta get out of here, somehow. This place is poison. Or maybe I’m the poison. One way or another, we don’t fit together.