As far as we can tell, my antibodies are attacking my brain for reasons that doctors don’t care to explore. This causes me to have spasms and other odd things when exposed to stress, fluorescent lighting, cold, physical exertion, or hunger. Or any combination of these triggers. Or if it just feels like torturing me. When that happens, I can’t function hardly at all. I can’t think clearly. I can’t move. I pretty much just lie there and wish I could cuddle someone without sending them flying across the room.
It’s kinda like certain parts of epilepsy, Parkinson’s, and Tourette’s thrown in a blender. But it is not enough like any of them to get help. I have literally had top doctors at cutting-edge facilities tell me to my face “Why are you here? I can’t get any research money for your case.” “Your symptoms aren’t like any real disease, so you must be faking it." And my personal favorite, a neurologist who was told I had a movement disorder and who got irate with me because I would not "hold still” while he examined me. These are the specialists, people. This is the best that this century has to offer.
But anyway, alcohol is pretty much the only thing that calms it down and lets me feel like normal person now and then. (I hate drinking, by the way. I really do. I just like feeling HUMAN now and then)
ERGGHH. I don’t want to be thought of as one of those “omg I’m sick feel sorry for me" people. I don’t talk about this. People freak out when I talk about it so I don’t. But it’s not like it’s not a big deal, because it is. It’s a huge deal. A huge fucking deal that I deal with every day and keep silent about. I’m sort of used to it. But I don’t leave the house much. And when I do, I get this really nice reminder that yeah, I’m not like everyone else. And oh yes, I’m related to a lot of assholes who I apparently severely disappointed when I got sick.
Sorry. I’m just scared. So fucking scared. Not even scared of the disease. It’s just that it killed all the chances I ever got to have a "normal” life and trapped me here. I’ll never forgive it for that.
It doesn’t even have a name.
Captain Koril 